A Friend in Iraq

A good friend of mine is working in Iraq. I've actually never met her before, just talked on the phone and exchanged endless emails. We used to work together at Unisys (in different cities) and went our separate ways during one of Unisys' famous annual layoffs, each taking different career paths. She accepted a position for a company doing work in Iraq a year ago. Since that time I've thought about her on occasion, wondering if she was okay. Anytime I would hear of a car bombing and civilian deaths, my heart would skip a beat.

I spoke to her on Google Talk the other day and it was the first time I've heard from her in about a year. She resigned her contract and is remaining in her current role for another year. Obviously, she likes what she's doing and is very happy. I wish her all the best and hope she remains safe.

Life, Lack of Work, and Whatnot! lol

So, as I feared, the worst has happened. I got laid off on Friday. Guaranty Bank decided to do some serious downsizing and about half of the IT staff got das boot, as in shipped out, put out to sea...blah blah blah...I know this was going somewhere.

Anyway, I have now joined the millions of unemployed workers in the good ole US of A! I never can seem to last more than two years at a company without something major happening, either a spin off, major reorg, or layoff. I guess it's the nature of the business when working in IT. I thought I was in my own little bubble being in Austin, considering we seem to have avoided the housing nightmare that has affected the rest of the country, and the city is very tech heavy with some major players. But, working for a bank there was no guarantee (pardon the pun) that my job would be spared.

It's Complicated

Or so she says. That was her response to the question.

I asked her if she loved me. Well she finally explained herself to me, FINALLY! Teenagers! (sigh) She said she loves me as a friend, but not as a parent. Apparently, she used to love me as a parent, but she decided she didn't like the way I handled things when I found out she slept with her boyfriend.

Personally, I think I reacted the way any sensible father would react when he finds out that his 15 year old daughter had sex. And with the very condoms I gave her!! THAT WASN'T PERMISSION!! I gave those to her as a "just in case" scenario happened to ever present itself. You know how kids can get...they start making out and one thing leads to another. BUT NO, she makes plans and lies to us about where she's going to be, just so she can do "the deed".

Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, the love issue. So now I have to "build" things again, let things grow. She said she doesn't need a father right now. Well, she doesn't know what she needs. (What teenage girl really does?) She may think she doesn't need me, or feel that way right now. She sure doesn't seem to mind that I care for her, and accepts my affection and material support without question.

My girlfriend says to give it time, but when Amanda has already conveyed those feelings once, it's hard to just go back and to ignore them. After all, having a daughter has always been a dream of mine. And when she told me last Christmas that she loved me (out of the blue even!), it was genuinely a dream come true. My heart melted. This 15 year old girl opened her heart to me and shared something very special, now she tells me that she lied and never meant it, and that she was only talking about it ever as a friend. Yeah right... Who knows what she really means.

If she meant to hurt me, she succeeded.

This is turning out to be a great holiday season (!)

Published on Fiction Press

I have posted a couple of my poems out on Fiction Press. Just wanted to share.

Life, Work, and Whatnot!

The current state of economy has me on edge. I read about layoffs, especially in the financial industry. There have been layoffs at my own company, and I've managed to survive.

I WORK FOR A BANK!! Eek! I should be thankful that I still have a job though and am healthy. I guess things could be worse.

Tattletale

That's such an interesting word. I keep saying it to myself, over and over again. I was looking for the etymology of the word, but I couldn't find anything. Anyway, apparently this is what Amanda thinks of me now. She feels she doesn't have to follow the same rules around me that she has to follow around her mother. It's a matter of respect, really. I brought this up in coversation with her mother. Of course it got back to Amanda that she wasn't doing what she should be doing and got grounded.

The mind of this teenage girl interpreted that as my being a narc, whistle-blower, etc. When all I wanted was to be treated with the same respect as her mother. This is why it came up in the first place!

Ugh. I have a headache. I would accomplish more by banging my head against a brick wall. I think teenagers are the worst age group, ever!

Choices

What Would You Do?
Originally uploaded by A little obscure...

When I look at this picture, I'm reminded of a fork in the road and the choices I've made recently. I don't think I would change a thing and am happy for the path that I've taken. It has made me a stronger person.


I quote Robert Frost, one of my favorite poets:



Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Inaction in Action...

Inaction in Action...
Originally uploaded by A little obscure...

Amanda is my world, so to speak. She is not my daughter, per se, but my girlfriend's daughter. We've been together for three years. I see Amanda as my own though, and care and love her as though we share the same blood.

True fathering is not the physical act of planting a seed, it is the conscious decision to tend and nourish the seedling. Real fathering is not biological-it is the conscious choice to build an unconditional and unbreakable connection to another human being. Once that choice is made, it cannot be unmade.

She started dating a boy back in February. Two months into the relationship they had sex. She was 15 at the time. Need I say more?

I completely lost it with her when I found out. My world had ended. I felt like this little girl I adore and love so much was violated and forced to grow up much faster than she should. I tried being a parent to her because she said that's what she wanted. Now she doesn't want to have anything to do with me. She can't see past her nose and all she cares about is this boy. She said she doesn't love me anymore. I know she said this out of spite and to be hurtful. It worked.

First for me

I've never done a web log before. Isn't it so passé now? I guess it doesn't really matter. This is more for myself than anything else. My head has been filled with thoughts lately and I've been writing them in my diary. These past nine months have been exhausting (I'll go into more detail later). I've found that writing and photography has been a welcome distraction for me. Since this is my first post I'll keep it short for now.